Again, the death of Pauline Fowler has caused me to worry. Please don’t box me up and send me into a fire while the audience are subjected to some miserable drone on the crematorium hifi.
Instructions for my funeral as follows:
1. Erect an escalator up to the fire. Safety checks will not be required. I will not be harmed by malfunction.
2. Purchase two hydraulic pistons.
3. Fit one hydraulic piston between my waist and elbow and insert one into my neck.
4. Stand me on the escalator facing the audience.
5. After guests are seated and after the ceremony has finished start the escalator.
6. As I reach the top, activate the hydraulics. I would like a close friend to press the button.
7. I will wave farewell and pop my head into the fire like a standard garden firework (the ones we used to play with in the yard before my elephant died).
Note 1: My donation to the crematorium should be treated as restricted.
Note 2: I would also like a brass band to play “Good King Wenceslas” when I am on the escalator - even if it is not Christmas. I will try and die at Christmas because my mum is superstitious. In the event that this is not achieved you may deduct money from my will for the purchase of formaldehyde and a second hand bath.
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4 comments:
That "drone" as you put it was Dusty Springfield
Who is not to be confused with the new character Shirley Carter
funeral plans sound ace! i can't wait for you to die (i mean that in a nice way)
Dusty Spingfield was played at Pauline Fowler's funeral but the "drone" I as was referring to was the top 10 funeral songs listed in the Observer magazine..I think,I read it on Sunday but my memory is poor) ”Angels”, “Wind Beneath My Wings”, “I Will Always Love You”, “Candle In The Wind”……
I'm having Kula Shaker's Grateful when you're Dead and Disco Inferno at mine. I told my mum on Christmas Day. I can give up the Kula Shaker (it's not 1996, after all) but I insist on burning, baby, burn.
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