a long long slide

Fall from the Premiership, slide down the Championship and then total CRASH BANG from League 1. Yes...run away, you need to run away Mr Bantam..find Stuart McCall..bring him back.

Virgin on Delight

First class on Virgin Trains is superior to any other train company in the UK. Food, tea and alcohol. The only problem is that while travelling at 160 mph on a tilting train it is not long before your food is back on the plate where it was first placed.

Oh and the staff are very helpful..

"I am Bill, I am talking to you live from the cockpit. Would the customers with the fishing rods please let themselves be known because we will be helping you off the train with your fishing rods at the next stop".

London Rage and Womb Spearing

The number one cause of my personal London Rage is men, it is usually men, carrying golf umbrellas. I seem to spend the majority of a rainy day avoiding a womb spearing. I don't know whether this fear originates from the stories I was told at school to stop me from running to the other side of the field to collect my javelin or whether the fear is real. Would I still have a womb, if indeed I have one, if I had not been so fearful of the golf umbrella? I almost believe that the umbrella carrying men are not real men, but aliens in disguise with the task of eradicating the human race. I suspect that they are doing fairly well but they won't eradicate me or alter child bearing ability.

Thought - why are golf umbrellas shaped like spears? Are there whales in the water features on golf courses?

Cheer on the Bantams - they need it!

Head Explosion

I have been away. I will be away a lot. My mind is full. So full. Writing should be like pulling the plug out of a bath, releasing thoughts into the country's drainage system. It is, only the plug hole is full of hair. Long black hair. Where does it come from? I don't live with anybody with long black hair. There are lots of things that don't make sense. Why does boiling water come from the water cooler? That was the thought I struggled with today. I will attempt to provide an answer so don't, one reader, lose sleep over it. Anyway, I feel I am going way off the point here. The point is, in case you missed it, I have been unable to write. Hairy Monkey's hairier friend suggested that I choose a topic to write about and write. "Which topic?", I replied. "Jazz?", said Hairy Monkey's hairier friend. Of course I know absolutely nothing about jazz and when I think of jazz it makes me cringe because I think of cheesy jazz not any sort of modern or free jazz. Yes, I am ignorant on the subject and in my attempt to write about it I have chosen to write about my favourite word.

My favourite word

When recently interviewing (in the loosest sense), for a new housemate, my existing housemates (the Bee Gee, Spiderlegs and Jimmidy) and I asked questions like, what is your favourite vegetable? and what is your favourite spirit? No, stop Bee Gee don't you dare reply Casper again. But one day Spiderlegs asked, "what is your favourite word?" What? What are you saying? What sort of ridiculous question is that! Of course, we didn't make anybody answer that but spent the entire time ridiculing Spiderlegs.

I later thought about my favourite word, and....nope, I don't have a favourite word. However, I do have a funniest word, a word that when I am feeling down I need only to say once to make me smile. And the word...

cummerbund

..told you.

London Underground: learn to be silent

“Please mind the gap”. For two years I wondered where the gap was. Sure, I could see a gap, but not big enough for me to fall down (note to reader, I am not big nor small...I would say of average size). Then I ventured further than the sixteen stops on the Victoria line and decided that the announcement wasn’t so useless after all. There are gaps big enough for Manual Uribe Garza to fall down and if you are not use to seeing them, you could be a goner.

“Please report all unattended items”. This is fair enough advice. Though I did see a carrier bag full of chips on the tube one Sunday morning and I spent the whole time praying that it would not be reported and I would not be delayed.

But…

“Please take care when walking down the escalator”. What! What else am I going to do? Throw myself down? Try my best to fall? Suddenly decide that this would be an effective way of committing suicide? Nah, I don’t think so.



And, before you say anything....I was being careful when I tripped and caught my hair in the bottom moving step.

Holiday Snippet 2

At the Palai Salaam (set inside the walls of Taroudant) the lunching never seen a blackman David Bowie chicken head look-alike part time jeweller turned beer taster sat by the pool writing post cards while her obedient and fearful husband read his computer programming monthly. She noticed a pigeon flying into the swimming pool and exclaimed,

“Oh, David look, the pigeon thinks it is Jesus!”

How stupid am I to think that it was just thirsty.



The scenery in Morocco was amazing. We drove to the Tizi-n-Test pass over the high Atlas Mountains with Said, our guide from Naturally Morocco, and the Vicar. Thank God for the Vicar, without him we would have had no chance conversing with the family in the Berber village that invited us into their house for mint tea.

After visiting the house and seeing lots of animals (cows, cats, donkeys, turkeys and chickens) and an olive press, we were running late and it was time to take a short cut over walls and through fields. The local girls that we passed on the way were amused by my headdress - I think I was wearing it in a rather unfashionable way. This wasn't surprising considering a man not much younger than my dad taught me how to put it on.